Friday, August 19, 2016

Trust Issues

I have a lot of trust issues. Every time I tried to trust people in the past, I've been let down, and now I thought it is easier and less painful to just rely on myself. I have always tried my best to see the good in others and expecting every single person in the world have a good intention. I've never thought that there is some evil in people (unless they have problems with their psychology or something). I've always believed that most people are good, and the pure evil ones only make up less than 2% in the world. 

I was really sure until I finally in this point where I questioned my own paradigms. Was I wrong? For expecting such thing from people? Do I really worth the trust..or am I just easy to be fooled at? Do people really broke their trust...or was I just disappointed? Was it only me...who assume the worst before it happened? Was it my fault..or was it, theirs? Do I really have trust issues...or was I just trying to avoid the pain? 

Even if I knew the answer, does it really matter? Does it really worth it?

And I've learned the hard way that never rely on anyone,

فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ إِنَّكَ عَلَى الْحَقِّ الْمُبِينِ
"So, rely upon Allah; indeed, you are upon the clear truth." Qur'an 27:79

وَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ وَكَفَىٰ بِاللَّهِ وَكِيلًا
"And rely upon Allah, and Sufficient is Allah as Disposer of Affairs." Qur'an 33:3

And I am sorry to you...
And I ask for Allah's forgiveness.
That if I have a lot of mistakes, as I don't have the same pure heart as yours. Dear brothers and sisters, keep me in your prayer and I will keep you in my prayers, and if I did something wrong, please keep the ummah in our prayers...and ask for His guidance to keep us on the right path. To give us a sincere heart to forgive people. Ask Him to lift whatever our hearts.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016


It was nothing like sunbeam,
or a thick forest green
Not even a deep crystal clear blue,
in those sparks still glow
It was a pure and innocent all analyst couldn't care less
One thing I know that I was lost
Ought to be carried off by uncertain
Letting it in and being unaware of consequences
Lost in a world of a beautiful scene

Maybe I write too much outlandish poems
or read too many books
Where I find pleasure in string words
Spending hours pairing rhymes
To embrace my fictional world
into sentences that I don't even understand
But one thing that I know too well
In between transparent wave they've told me
That the seas and the forests envied you
For the world reflected inside yours
is not the world we used to know

Nobody ever bothered to tell you
They are hickory against deep mud oak
And when it meets sunlight they beam
Two perfect orbs the same shade as nature after it rains
burning with the light of a thousand suns
Bewitched in between my souls
Persuaded in matrimony,
beholding as I was going away
Don't think it was too much, it was just a metaphor
Just a little to believe in realism, soon be drenched away

What do I know of bone-deep lonely, 
of the beautiful freeze, 
of a running circuit through the stars 
until all landmarks are my own staring eyes
Or maybe I am scientist, 
staring deep through a telescope
Convex lens collects light and focuses it
into a distant galaxy 
that has not had the chance, 
to be named

And perhaps you should know,
in between uncertain lines somehow I wished
that I still do


Saturday, August 13, 2016

My 7 Favorite Japanese Youtubers: How I Learned Japanese in a Fun Way!

I've been learning Japanese for almost a year and I still am not fluent yet (anyone could you please tell me how it is done pls?!). My kanji writing, especially, is still soooo poor. Remembering strokes and its onyomi & kunyomi are like the hardest challenge in learning Japanese (well, even though I love kanjis!!). So does my speaking. Self-studying is difficult, I admit. But it's fun and enjoyable as long as you spend your time in a fun way. I've always been a fan of Youtubers and I watched Japanese and Korean youtubers to help me learn those languages, and today I would like to share my 7 favorite Japanese Youtubers!!!! Well, some are non-Japanese but they speak Japanese and live in Japan as well. So, here it is:


Hannah is my first non-Japanese-who-learns-Japanese Youtubers who I discovered loooong time ago before I discover another Japanese Youtubers. And I am grateful that I found her channel! I keeping up with her videos from the very start when she speaks very basic Japanese (in which that time I didn't understand any single word!) and now she speaks veryveryvery fluently! She even got into a newspaper for getting the highest score on Japanese exam. The thing is...she self-studied!! She is a British (I love British accent! wingardium leviosar.................) but she also speaks German, French, Latin and Dutch. Which is amazing. Now she is an Oxford student majoring in Japanese language if I am not mistaken. She inspired me so much!


Mimei comes from New Zealand and she went to Japan in 2009 to study, I guess. She is a wife of Duncan (see below) and a mother of two little scottish fold rascals, Cinnamon and Latte! My favorite videos are her collaboration with Mahoto-chan as they are just so adorable!! I recommend you to watch the Interviewing Youtuber series and basically just watch. All. Of. Them. Oh and I really loveeee her hair.

I discovered Duncan a.k.a PDRさん after watching Mimei's channel and it showed up in my recommended videos bar. I was shocked to know that they are married already! His videos are mainly nonsense jokes but so funny (some are pretty rude and harsh and disgusting and contains a lot of dirty jokes but yeah). But he is so creative and actually just weird after all, but his weirdness is goldddddd. And I love it that way! Anyway, Mimei and Duncan have another channel for both of them -> BACOUPLE. (Relationship jokes goal?) lol


Hajime's videos are basically wasting everything and talking so fast without spaces. He is a real nihonjin a.k.a Japanese. One time he bought tons of coca colas and mentos and poured it all in a bath tub, wanted to know whether it will explode or not (I was hoping I could see that scene though it didn't happen lol). And the other time he bought clays or just doing whatever he likes. I first discovered him from Mimei's channel too, where she interviewed Youtubers and there comes out this creature who makes me laugh even in the very first introduction. 

DoudemoMIRA a.k.a Kanadajin3 (her English channel), basically also a non-Japanese Youtuber but she lived in Japan. I don't know her much as I am not often watch her videos. But she likes to express her opinions toward issues in Japan and her daily life. I love her accent idk why it sounds so cute and unique and she is so kawaii!

He is a real Japanese also!! His videos are just as weird as PDRさん, Mimei, and Hajime. Omg their circles. So nonsense and weird, but...I managed to watch the videos till the end (what did I do with my life). At least he is so cute and he got dimples when he smiles #uhwhat. He often showed up in Mimei and Duncan's channel, you should watch him speaking engrishu!!

She is also a non-Japanese Youtubers........I just realized that most of the Youtubers I recommend are basically foreigners?! Hahaha okay. I enjoyed her videos, and she shares a lot of information. I just realized that she hanged out with Mimei lately!

Actually I still have a long list of Japanese Youtubers such as Micaela ミカエラくまみき/Kumamikiバイリンガール英会話 | Bilingirl Chika, HIKAKIN, and many more. But, they are my favorite (and basically just comes out from the same circle xD)
So, what do you guys think about them? ^^

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Welcoming August

It had been two weeks since school started on June 18th. Now, I am on my last year in high school, twelfth grade. I really don't have any idea of what should I write now, so I am just gonna tell you some random things like I always did. Hahahahhahahaha. I know, sorry. Anyway, for anyone who asked me about what are my future plans, as I am a twelfth grader now, sorry that I prefer to keep it to myself (and some closest friends) because I feel comfortable that way. And I think it's not really that important for you to know as it won't significant for you. Why and what would you like to know anyway? I wonder.

OH! I didn't post on July...I forgot. Happy Eid Mubarak for everyone!! So sorry that I didn't post anything Islamic related, something that I should've did.... I was so busy having quality time with my family in Jakarta, and I also met my main biatch for the very first time. Errr nah...not gonna tell you anything about this today. I miss you guys soooooo soo much. I forgot what happened in the past weeks. Gotta recall some more. I am so sad that Ramadhan passed quickly that I felt as if I wasted so much time. I prayed that Allah will give me another chance to live in the next next nexttttt Ramadhan with all of you. I love you guys so much.

It's a lie.


I started a new journal lately and I am so happy about it that I felt as if it gives such powers to keep me motivated. I love it so much that its covers are in tiffany blue and maroon. The papers are kraft paper if I am not mistaken, and I can use watercolors as it is pretty thick. I am planning to show you, but I am too lazy to take photographs. Maybe later. I said maybe. I've also been reading quite some books lately, not so many that you still can't consider me as a book nerd yet. I've also been planning to write book reviews to keep me remember what I just read...planning...but ya know. 

*walks away as I sniffing books*

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Thoughts on Pride & Prejudice: why is it needed to blame Mr. Darcy's manner

Things shall not perish in a period of time unless we know the reason why. If I ever had a chance to sue anyone in this world, either fictional or real, I thought it would be a pleasure for me to sue our daringly charming Mr. Darcy from Pemberley. For he is responsible for my outlast decision and consideration in high expectations towards men, ever in the universe. Mr. Darcy is a perfect portrait of an ideal man any women would die for, well at least for those who understand this. Unlike the others, he tends to stick in his own mind and personal principles rather than usual men we found in everyday life. Recently. Though.

“I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding— certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.” 

I am falling in love with the words classic authors had invented, something that I'd never find in modern books nowadays. I have always admiring Jane Austen, as she is one of my favorite classic author along with L.M Montgomery and Hans Christian, for their books and beautiful poetic lines. Not until I had finished the series of beautiful unspoken love for the sake of pride and out willingly to sense each other's attraction in demeanor manner. It was rather difficult to choose something in between keeping the pride or losing it for awhile and left the guilt for years. Sometimes we even caught up in such moment where our prejudice is worth even more than anything we could ever ask. Not even in people's perception, whom I supposed to know nothing but daresay to speak up their unresponsible opinion, or perhaps...nonsense. Unfortunately to say that there is least people who are concerning in this issue. But rather the feeling of astonishing young ladies' deliberated minds in Georgian era still fascinated me the most. Very well-mannered in every aspects

I was watching Pride and Prejudice and I came across into a reasoning in which made my head spinning around. Terribly. Well, probably because of my obsession towards Mr. Darcy for his intelligence and gentlemanlike manner. As sophisticated as he is. What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant? As a brother, a landlord, a master, she considered how many people's happiness were in his guardianship!—how much of pleasure or pain was it in his power to bestow!—how much of good or evil must be done by him! Every idea that had been brought forward by the housekeeper was favourable to his character. Lucky Lizzie.

“I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding— certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.” 

For he is, all anyone ever wants. Cold-headed, stubborn, efficient, and calm in crisis. In intellectual competence, in addition to other varying degrees of competence (wealth, humour, beauty, etc), and thus declares his love for you in an incredibly awkward manner. He doesn’t know how to express himself, and that’s endearing. And of course, lovely accent. Ardently. Doesn't he?